Look! It's A Giant Stampede of Elephants! And They're All Really Old!

(The OUMMCBNOM looks back at the Republican Primary)

Bob Dole Bob is by far the oldest and most boring of the Republican candidates, but maintains that boring is good sometimes, and that even if he were to grow senile, he'd still be twice as smart as Quayle. On the issues, Bob is anti everything that all the other Republicans are against, only sometimes less so. He opposes abortion and Democrats, and believes strongly that it's his turn to be President, Damn it!

Alan Keyes The only major black candidate, Alan was recently arrested for attempting to participate in a debate between the real Republican candidates before the Georgia primary. He is passionate and vocal, and insists that the media is involved in a giant conspiracy to keep his message from being heard. Unfortunately, we at the OUMMCBNOM were unable to discover exactly what that message was, so if anyone knows and would like to assist us in breaking the conspiracy to which we've so wrongly contributed, please let us know.

Pat Buchanan Although he has never been elected to public office, as a noted isolationist, racist, and anti-semite, Pat believes he has what it takes to lead our proud nation into the next century. He promotes "traditional family values," such as hating thy neighbor, ending welfare, and buying nuclear weapons, and has been a strong crusader for the rights of the much oppressed upper class. As a journalist, he has become very skilled at saying mean things about other people, and will no doubt make use of this talent throughout the remainder of the campaign.


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