Volume 3, Number 8, Page 4

Deep Contemplations by, II Don't Give A Damn

	I apologize for not having written anything for the OUMMCBNOM in so long but
I have just been too lazy, forgetful, busy, etc.  Thanks again to the
miracles of e-mail I have found material with which to fill my article (and a
method with which to send the article to Kate).  Remember, I only copied
this.  However, the editorial staff did make slight changes for the sake of
saving space.  Enjoy!

The Top 10 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

10.  Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
      trim her nails, and give her new clothes.  Then she's yours.
      --Deuteronomy 21

9.  Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering
     his flock.
     --Moses  (Exodus 2)

8.  Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
     --Boaz (Ruth 4)

7.  Go to a party and hide.  When the women come out to dance,
     grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
     --Benjaminites (Judges 21)

6.  Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.  Note: this will
     cost you a rib.
     --Adam (Genesis 2)

5.  Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
     --Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)

4.   When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
     "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me."  If your parents question
     your decision, simply say, "Get her for me.  She's the one for me."
     --Samson (Judges 14)
3.  Wait for your brother to die.  Take his widow.
     (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
     --Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

2.  Don't be so picky.  Make up for quality with quantity.
     --Solomon (1 Kings 11)

1.  Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry
     a whole bunch of people.
     --Jesus (Revelation 15?) 


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