Who the hell are you? I subscribed late and I have no idea who the hell you are or what your column is about. I never wrote any letters to you because I thought you might be sickening perverts. I wrote letters to the editor, because I know she's a sickening pervert. I also thought that maybe I could do comic strips for your column. Look at this! [a drawing of Mrs. May which the OUMMCBNOM printing offices had no hope of being able to duplicate] From Andrew Sigman Dear Mr. Sigman, Seeing as we are currently lost at sea, now seems to be a lovely time to tell everyone of our history. We began our writing careers writing letters to students at Norup Middle School who had made offensive comments. We were then hired by the OUMMCBNOM to write an advice column, Dear Prudence and Camilla. However, when we received very few letters, we grew upset, so upset that we began singing "Wait A Minute Mr. Postman" rather loudly at all hours of the night. Our neighbors grew upset as well, and we were sent to jail for disturbing the peace and subsequently to Big Al's Institute For The Mentally Dysfunctional. There we stayed for a few months, making friends with the likes of Drooling Dan and Defenestrating Donald, until Big Al's was closed because of state budget cuts. However, every cloud has a silver lining, and the former Institute For The Mentally Dysfunctional became Big Al's Shrimp Hut. We obtained jobs at the Shrimp Hut, and were the epitome of good employees, until we were arrested on charges of shrimp laundering. We did nothing wrong! But we were jailed in the Sheboygan Heights Maximum Security Prison for Shrimp Offenders despite our protests of innocence. There, before being set free around volume 2, number 8, we met Fifi. We lived happily for a few months until being asked by The Republican to contact the largest newspaper we knew to disclose information about the affairs that we both had had with President Bill Clinton. We contacted the OUMMCBNOM, which printed a thoughtful article about our plight, and covered our story as we went to testify before Congress and then as we traveled around the world with the money The Republican gave us. Our travels lead us to a cruise aboard the Sea Ferret and, as you know, the rest is on the front page of the OUMMCBNOM. Yes, you can write comics as long as you do it on plain white paper in black ink.
Dear Prudence and Camilla,
Dear Editor, I usually enjoy your newspaper, but I was very disappointed with part of your last issue. The problem is that you spelled "Manuel Nunez" incorrectly. You spelled it "Nunez," however the correct way to spell it is with a tilde (~) - "Nunez." You also spelled "ingles" incorrectly. You left out the accent over the "e." Any Hispanic person, Spanish teacher, or Spanish student should be ashamed of the absence of an accent, and even more upset about the absence of a tilde, as the tilde is the greatest part of the whole Spanish language. Sincerely, Tilde Man / \ | ~ ~ | | ~ | | ~~~ | \ / | | ~---| |---~ | | ~~ / \~~ Dear Mr. Tilde, Thank you for your concern. As you see, we have now mastered the art of creating accents on our Printing Office computer, which was a more difficult operation than one might think. Again, thank you for your letter. Dear Editor, Oh my! I am so distressed. No sooner did I realize that I owed Pud and Cam a letter than I found out that the daring pair had been lost at sea. Alas! What is a secret admirer to do? If there is any way I can help to find Prudence and Camilla, please tell me. Pud and Cam's Secret Admirer Dear Admirer, Thank you for your kind words. All that we can do now is wait, write letters, send contributions, and trust that the Sea Ferret will be found soon.
Letters To The Editor
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