It is now time to reveal the results of the 1994 OUMMCBNOM political survey. [drumroll please...] The first section of the survey involved personal information which will be discussed later in this feature. The following three sections asked readers to evaluate their feelings about a statement by rating them 1-5, one meaning that the reader strongly disagreed and five meaning that they strongly agreed. We have calculated the average number those responding chose and will now share those results. 1. Pat Buchanan is the root of all evil. 4.8 2. Congress is too. 3.5 3. So is President Clinton. 1.8 4. So is the locked bathroom policy. 4.4 5. Bill Clinton lacks moral integrity. 2.1 6. O.J. Simpson is guilty. 2.9 7. Tonya Harding is a tragic figure. 3.3 8. Michael Jackson is innocent. 2.9 9. U.S. involvement in Haiti is needed. 2.9 10. I support a national health care program. 3.3 11. Dukes of Hazard was a good show. 3.2 12. I supported the president's crime bill. 3.9 13. Filibusters are a good legislative tool. 2.5 14. Immigrants do the U.S. more harm than good. 2.1 15. Funding for gifted programs is important. 3.9 In the next section of the survey, we asked readers who they would vote vote in various races. The results were: President Bill Clinton 25% OUMMCBNOM Staff 25% Raul Hernandez 13% Manuel Nunez 13% Mr. Barna 13% Snuffalupagus 13% House of Representatives Sander Levin 50% The OUMMCBNOM Staff 25% Mr. Barna 13% The foot at the end of "Monty Python" credits 13% Senate Chris Wege 25% Mr. Snuffalupagus 13% Diana's Newt 13% Amy J. Kohn 13% OUMMCBNOM Staff 13% Mr. Barna 13% Governor Howard Wolpe 29% OUMMCBNOM Staff 29% Mr. Barna 14% Mr. Ed 14% John "The Egg" Engler 14% Receiving zero percent of the vote in their respective races were: Bob Dole, Dan Quayle, Diana Kozloff, Ross Perot, John Pappageorge, "Spence" Abraham, Jon Coon, and Mr. Daas. In the final section of the survey, three multiple choice questions were asked. 1. Which defense strategy do you must identify with? The Twinkie defense 38% The victim of society defense 38% The "I was potty trained too early" defense 13% The "No hablo ingles" defense 13% 2. What was your favorite theme day during spirit week? Make your own explosives day 57% Skip Day 29% Look for the Great Pumpkin day 13% 3. What is your opinion of this survey? It is absolutely wonderful that the OUMMCBNOM wants to know about the opinions of its readers. 71% Enthralled beyond belief 14% The apples never fight with the oranges, so why can't we just eat a twinkie and forget about it? 14% Fun Survey Facts Without exception, male respondents found Bill Clinton to be more lacking in integrity than did their female counterparts. Without exception, male respondents cited cereals which advertise their high sugar content in their names as the cereal which had had the largest impact on their lives. 88% of those internal organs respondents chose as their favorite were located below the neck. 88% of respondents' hair colors can be found in a box of Crayola crayons. Respondents with brown hair were more than twice as likely as the group as a whole to choose the spleen as their favorite internal organ. Notes on Calculation of Survey Results Given numbers were rounded to nearest whole number for averaging. Averaged scores were rounded to two significant digits. Given scores of infinity or any other number greater than 5 were rounded to five so that they did not greatly alter the average. Average scores were obtained by adding together all scores and dividing by eight. When no number was given the total was divided by one (or however many of those responding did not answer the given question) less than eight."Why were they only divided by eight?" you ask. "Didn't more than eight people turn in surveys?" No. Only eight people turned in their surveys. Three of them were OUMMCBNOM staff members. This truly is sad. Particularly because there are more than three OUMMCBNOM staff members. If you are still reading this, tell an OUMMCBNOM staff member and they will give you a prize. Results were computed on a lovely blue calculator which was purchased for our printing office staff by their parents. They were really quite enthralled by the fact that they knew how to use every button on it. Then the printing office staff's parents bought them a big shiny new calculator. The printing office staff couldn't figure out how to do addition on it. The instruction manual is bigger than the calculator, and if you have seen the calculator, you will understand the enormity of this observation. Sharon Ram has one just like it, and she and the printing office staff tried to hook them together because you are supposed to be able to do this, but they couldn't understand how it was supposed to be done. Sharon had to get Adam Johnson to show her how to use the calculator, but the printing office staff is still bewildered. Not all responses listed were supplied by the OUMMCBNOM staff; some were original responses from respondents. It is very cold in the OUMMCBNOM printing offices, and the staff typist is finding that its fingers are numb. Please excuse the typist while it goes to get gloves. They are the kind without fingers, which had previously confused the typist because it seems rather illogical that gloves without fingers would keep your fingers any warmer than they would be without the gloves in the first place, but they actually do keep your fingers warmer. The printing office staff is listening to a Rachmaninoff piano concerto right now and not particularly enjoying it because they do not really like Rachmaninoff, but were thinking that perhaps they would learn to do so. The printing office staff is now debating whether or not they should drag this out to the end of the page or not. Yes, they think they will, because this isn't enough room for anything else really. The printing office staff is feeling very unappreciated. You probably do not realize how difficult it is to go on for a page just babbling, in a small font and everything. Yes, its very difficult. If you are currently feeling very guilty that you are not as appreciative of the printing office staff as you should be, feel free to remedy your guilt by sending gifts to it. The printing office staff has finished all of their homework. This makes them really quite happy. They even finished their English paper. And their math teacher didn't give them any homework (at least not that they can remember). The Rachmaninoff is getting kind of interesting. The printing office staff should be practicing piano. They just got a new piece. It is quite ugly. It has what their piano teacher calls "20th century sounds" which means that it is ugly. The typist believes that it has finished this page. Hurray! Yip!
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