Volume 3, Number 6, Page 3

The 1994 OUMMCBNOM Political Survery

It is now time to reveal the results of the 1994 OUMMCBNOM political survey.

[drumroll please...]

The first section of the survey involved personal information which will be
discussed later in this feature.  The following three sections asked readers
to evaluate their feelings about a statement by rating them 1-5, one meaning
that the reader strongly disagreed and five meaning that they strongly
agreed.  We have calculated the average number those responding chose and
will now share those results.
1.  Pat Buchanan is the root of all evil. 	4.8
2.  Congress is too. 				3.5
3.  So is President Clinton. 			1.8
4.  So is the locked bathroom policy. 		4.4
5.  Bill Clinton lacks moral integrity. 	2.1
6.  O.J. Simpson is guilty. 			2.9
7.  Tonya Harding is a tragic figure. 		3.3
8.  Michael Jackson is innocent. 		2.9
9.  U.S. involvement in Haiti is needed. 	2.9
10.  I support a national health care program. 	3.3
11.  Dukes of Hazard was a good show. 		3.2
12.  I supported the president's crime bill. 	3.9
13.  Filibusters are a good legislative tool. 	2.5
14.  Immigrants do the U.S. more harm than good. 2.1
15.  Funding for gifted programs is important. 	3.9

In the next section of the survey, we asked readers who they would vote vote
in various races.  The results were:

President
Bill Clinton  		25% 
OUMMCBNOM Staff  	25% 
Raul Hernandez 		13% 
Manuel Nunez 		13%
Mr.  Barna  		13% 
Snuffalupagus  		13%

House of Representatives
Sander Levin  		50% 
The OUMMCBNOM Staff	25% 
Mr.  Barna  		13%
The foot at the end of "Monty Python" credits 13%

Senate
Chris Wege  		25% 
Mr. Snuffalupagus 	13%  
Diana's Newt  		13%
Amy J.  Kohn  		13% 
OUMMCBNOM Staff  	13% 
Mr.  Barna  		13%

Governor
Howard Wolpe  		29% 
OUMMCBNOM Staff  	29% 
Mr.  Barna  		14%
Mr.  Ed  		14% 
John "The Egg" Engler  	14%

Receiving zero percent of the vote in their respective races were:  Bob Dole,
Dan Quayle, Diana Kozloff, Ross Perot, John Pappageorge, "Spence" Abraham,
Jon Coon, and Mr. Daas.

In the final section of the survey, three multiple choice questions were
asked.

1.  Which defense strategy do you must identify with?
 The Twinkie defense  				38%
 The victim of society defense  		38%
 The "I was potty trained too early" defense  	13%
 The "No hablo ingles" defense  		13%

2.  What was your favorite theme day during spirit week?
 Make your own explosives day  		57%
 Skip Day  				29%
 Look for the Great Pumpkin day  	13%

3.  What is your opinion of this survey?
 It is absolutely wonderful that 
 the OUMMCBNOM wants to know about 
 the opinions of its readers.  		71%
 Enthralled beyond belief  		14%
 The apples never fight with the 
 oranges, so why can't we just 
 eat a twinkie and forget about it?  	14%

Fun Survey Facts
Without exception, male respondents found Bill Clinton to be more lacking in
integrity than did their female counterparts.

Without exception, male respondents cited cereals which advertise their high
sugar content in their names as the cereal which had had the largest impact
on their lives.
88% of those internal organs respondents chose as their favorite were located
below the neck.

88%  of respondents' hair colors can be found in a box of Crayola crayons.

Respondents with brown hair were more than twice as likely as the group as a
whole to choose the spleen as their favorite internal organ.

		Notes on Calculation of Survey Results
Given numbers were rounded to nearest whole number for averaging.  Averaged
scores were rounded to two significant digits.  Given scores of infinity or
any other number greater than 5 were rounded to five so that they did not
greatly alter the average.  Average scores were obtained by adding together
all scores and dividing by eight.  When no number was given the total was
divided by one (or however many of those responding did not answer the given
question) less than eight."Why were they only divided by eight?" you ask.
 "Didn't more than eight people turn in surveys?"  No.  Only eight people
turned in their surveys.  Three of them were OUMMCBNOM staff members.  This
truly is sad.  Particularly because there are more than three OUMMCBNOM staff
members.  If you are still reading this, tell an OUMMCBNOM staff member and
they will give you a prize.  Results were computed on a lovely blue
calculator which was purchased for our printing office staff by their
parents.  They were really quite enthralled by the fact that they knew how to
use every button on it.  Then the printing office staff's parents bought them
a big shiny new calculator.  The printing office staff couldn't figure out
how to do addition on it.  The instruction manual is bigger than the
calculator, and if you have seen the calculator, you will understand the
enormity of this observation.  Sharon Ram has one just like it, and she and
the printing office staff tried to hook them together because you are
supposed to be able to do this, but they couldn't understand how it was
supposed to be done.  Sharon had to get Adam Johnson to show her how to use
the calculator, but the printing office staff is still bewildered.  Not all
responses listed were supplied by the OUMMCBNOM staff; some were original
responses from respondents.  It is very cold in the OUMMCBNOM printing
offices, and the staff typist is finding that its fingers are numb.  Please
excuse the typist while it goes to get gloves.  They are the kind without
fingers, which had previously confused the typist because it seems rather
illogical that gloves without fingers would keep your fingers any warmer than
they would be without the gloves in the first place, but they actually do
keep your fingers warmer.  The printing office staff is listening to a
Rachmaninoff piano concerto right now and not particularly enjoying it
because they do not really like Rachmaninoff, but were thinking that perhaps
they would learn to do so.  The printing office staff is now debating whether
or not they should drag this out to the end of the page or not.  Yes, they
think they will, because this isn't enough room for anything else really.

 The printing office staff is feeling very unappreciated.  You probably do
not realize how difficult it is to go on for a page just babbling, in a small
font and everything.  Yes, its very difficult.  If you are currently feeling
very guilty that you are not as appreciative of the printing office staff as
you should be, feel free to remedy your guilt by sending  gifts to it.  The
printing office staff has finished all of their homework.  This makes them
really quite happy.  They even finished their English paper.  And their math
teacher didn't give them any homework (at least not that they can remember).

 The Rachmaninoff is getting kind of interesting.  The printing office staff
should be practicing piano.  They just got a new piece.  It is quite ugly.

 It has what their piano teacher calls "20th century sounds" which means that
it is ugly.  The typist believes that it has finished this page.  Hurray!
 Yip!


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