|Caring for your plant|
The human nurturing instinct surpasses that of almost every other creature on the planet. From the mother gently rocking her infant to the child petting a young puppy, the nurturing instinct is a vital part of what makes us human. But how can busy young professionals make room in their lives for it? Only two realistic options exist: (1) have a baby, or (2) buy a house plant. With this in mind, suburbanunderground.org proudly presents The OOW Guide to Plant Care!
Plants are preferable to babies for many reasons. First, plants can be purchased at Target. Second, you can give your plant a funny name without worrying that the other plants in your house will laugh at it, because they too have funny names. Four plants live in the OOW staff room. Their names are Planty McLeaf, Emiline, Lassie, and The Jade Plant.
Choosing a plant is a big decision. There are three major classifications of plants: prickly, fuzzy, and regular. The cactus is the best known prickly plant. Fuzzy plants include African violets and other flora with "furry" leaves. Regular plants are neither prickly nor fuzzy. Fuzzy plants have the obvious advantage of being irresistably cuddly. However, many plant owners opt for regular and/or prickly plants, most likely because they deeply fear emotional attachment. Our plants are all regular plants.
Caring for your new plant is a big job. Plants enjoy listening to music, and your plant might not share your taste! Take some time with your plant and get to know what kind of grooves get its juices flowing. Our plants listen exclusively to Motown. Your new green friend also enjoys a little conversation from time to time. Verbal encouragement ("My my, you're practically a redwood, Emiline!") is a must. Resist the temptation to walk your plant.
Plants also require water and sunlight. Years of studies in the field have shown that beer and matches DO NOT replace water and sunlight in your plant's diet. Follow the directions on your plant's identification stick--it's like medic-alert for your plant!
If your plant's condition grows truly dire, don't lose all hope. Consider loaning your plant to someone with a good track record of successful nurturing; to someone who owns a fish, for instance, or maybe to your mother. Hopefully, a complete resurrection will take place, and your green phoenix will be back on your windowsill in no time!